Yup this is the one for the single people so bugger off all you happily boo’d up ones, we have business to discuss 👋 If you’ve been on your ownesome since about 2016, you would have heard about the Tinder. If you’re one of the judgerag types “Oh I would never use Tinder”- what is you even doing here then? Go find your mans in that magic way you have that you’re hiding from the rest of us.
In case you’re unfamiliar (#nojudgement) Tinder is a simple dating app: see the persons pics+bio and if he has a beard swipe right (so you can get the chance to deep condition and comb it). What do you mean “That’s not how it works”? 😲 It’s how I’ve been using it!👀 Tbh I am rather proud of the guys I’ve found via Tinder- they’re:
a) Hotties with bodies
b) Bearded (and some non-bearded, in case ya’ll reading this idk I’m not here to hurt feelings)
c) Generally got their shit together and are alright human beings
If I’m being honest though it’s been a struggle to find the few good ones in an ocean of f***bois and flakiness 🙅 Personally I swipe left a lot more than I swipe right and that’s mainly because of all the weirdness there is this world. And not the cool kind of weird either! Sometimes you see things that really make you wonder…
1.”But why would you use this picture?”
When someone has a profile with pictures that look like they were taken using a Nokia 3310, it’s an instant swipe left. Nje my guy if you have the Tinder app, you have a phone with a decent camera- please use it 💩
2. “Why don’t you have a bio?”
I mean, it’s the only way potential baes are going to see that fun personality. Leaving it blank is just telling me how lazy you are. I imagine you’re the type who always wants to be on the bottom, and ya’ll can miss me with that life 💀 Also #420 is not a hobby and does not count as a bio, soz fams.
3. “Oh cool, another threesome couple.”
Can someone balance me on these folk? Why would you choose to introduce a stranger in this time of STDs and dick pics- I mean, don’t we have enough stress in our lives? 💆 Also there’s been multiple times when I considered swiping right just to come to your house, get food and then fake an emergency to escape. Just saying, watch yourselves in these Tinder streets, a hungry Sean might just take these risks one day 😆👀
4. “Wait, aren’t you in a relationship?!”
So Tinder is based on the people closest around you, and will show you apparent singles in your area- except sometimes they aren’t all that single 😶 There’s defs been a few times when I lingered long enough to screengrab a profile and then send it to the group chat to confirm this is the same oke on our Insta feed with his #gf #lover #bbygal.
Also while we are here- can we as women come to an agreement about how we tell each other if someone’s mans is spotted on Tinder? There’s no set etiquette and sometimes we honestly just want to save a good girl from a damn scrub 😷
5. “Well at least you’re straightforward. But damn.”
This is me whenever I come across those interested in more… alternative past times 😋 I’m not in the business of judging- I mean, it’s better for everyone involved when you know what you like compared to not knowing at all amirite 😉 But guys. A whole damn list is too much pressure for one human, lets be reasonable here 😂
Also I’m vaguely curious how many hits you get. I mean I don’t really want too much and I’m still on the struggle bus. Yet here you are demanding monkey flips on your schlong and an English breakfast the next day WHERE ARE YOU FINDING WILLING PEOPLE?!
6. “CYOOOT. Oh nice, he linked his insta!”
Dammit, went too deep again.
Ye dating in the modern age is honestly wild. Tbh I have very little idea what I’m doing and its going pretty… okay. So if we use my awkward penguin self as a frame of reference, ya’ll are fire pieces and should be killing it in these streets #Dfordayyyys 🍆😏 Pls comment with your best/worst Tinder (or dating) tales, because I have no beards to text and I’m bored 😹
PS- Juuuuuuust in case a Tinder boi sees this: the cat ears I’m wearing in that one picture does not mean I am a furry. Pls stop. Regards, Management.